I have been home from Bolivia now for a little over a week. It seems crazy and it has gone so fast, yet at the same time it seems like weeks since I've seen my beautiful Bolivian family. I miss them. A lot. I miss Bolivia. I miss Cochabamba. I miss the kids at El Centro. I miss my simple, beautiful South American life.
I'm just now blogging since my departure and last week in Cochabamba. Mostly because I'm finding this really hard. Nothing has been easy about coming home-- saying good-bye, not knowing when or if I will return, & re-adjusting to American life. I think for the most part, I've just tried not to think about it. That really stinks. But I've found it to be easiest when I just enjoy my time here and don't actually think about how much I miss Bolivia and the Quiroga family especially.
I know that not thinking about it is not the way to deal with my re-entry and culture shock of being back in the States. I know that I need to face my time there and the after-effects and thoughts about it head on. I really wish in some ways I had right away. But I think I needed time too; a lot of things have been really hard since being back and I've wanted to ease myself in.
I've never experienced anything quite like this. I have experienced going to other countries--especially Haiti-- and coming back and missing it and everything. But nothing can compare to the large range of emotions--strong emotions-- I've felt since being back from Bolivia. A large part of it is my lack of understanding of them-- I feel like I don't even know or understand my own feelings & emotions-- so how am I supposed to explain them to somebody else? That's another large part of my pushing all of my feelings to the side...
I feel like a large part of me is just broken. Or missing. I loved what I felt in Bolivia. I loved where my heart was. I loved my experience. But right now I find myself confused. Asking questions. And unsure why I'm here-- in Iowa. If people ask me about my time, I usually just share that it was an incredible experience, I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I made some amazing friends. But I don't even know how to go deeper-- how to share my heart-- how to explain what I'm feeling and what I felt in that place. I really haven't shared with anyone how much my experience has impacted me. Part of me feels bad about that. I feel like I should be able to use this experience and share it with people, etc.. I know that I just need time, though. It will take time to process my emotions, thoughts, feelings..and I need to do that. I need to face those things and deal with them rather than push them aside. Because that is where I will really be blessed and learn so much from my experience.
I would love to talk about Bolivia. Really. With anyone. I would love to share my stories, what I've learned, the things I saw, and the many ways I was blessed and am continuing to be blessed by my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to serve, learn, and grow in Cochabamba. If you would like to talk about my time there, I would love to talk with you! It may be hard to form the words to truly describe my experience, but I would love to try. And with that being said, I will continue to process and learn from my time there. My prayer is that I would continue to be able to do that and that it wouldn't be painful, hard, etc. I miss Bolivia so much, but I know that only means that I had such an amazing, blessed experience there and can't wait to return!
My last days in Bolivia were so bittersweet. I got the flu in the night and was sick for an entire day on my second to last day there. I was upset that I couldn't enjoy one of my last days there. My sweet mother took such great care of me and I was feeling very humbled! We spent a lot of precious family time together in our last days. My heart was just sick thinking about having to leave. My last morning I was all packed up and anxious to leave. Joana and Leah prepared Joana's famous chocolate cake. We ate it before my departure together. I was able to give everyone the gifts I had for them, and many of the family members were able to say a few words to me. I will never forget those words Mama Toty shared with me and the tears we both cried around the kitchen table. After that was the hard good-byes. I had to hug Joana, Jorge, and Isaac and the other girls good-bye. Many tears were shed! After that David took me and Mama Toty to a taxi. We took a long, mostly silent taxi ride to the airport. Mama sat with me in the airport for a long time because we were there quite early. She never wastes a moment to teach a lesson, tell a story, and we talked quite a bit before my departure. Saying good-bye to her was just so hard. Saying good-bye to everyone was so very hard. I can't say I've felt a heartbreak quite like that before.
I flew that day to Santa Cruz, Bolivia. Me and another girl who was serving in Cochabamba stayed in a hotel that night. It was a lot of fun to be able to explore a bigger city and see a different Bolivian city! We got some supper and found their Plaza Principal. We woke up early the next morning and were in a taxi to the airport by 6:30. We were able to see a beautiful sunrise on the way.
Seeing my family was so bittersweet as well, though. I was so thankful to be back in my mother's arms after a very long day of travel. Seeing my nephews the next day and the rest of my family was just so great! But I was exhausted--mentally, emotionally. Like I said, none of it has been easy. It was most definitely much harder to be back than to originally go! That was probably the most surprising part of my entire experience! But looking back, I can just think about how thankful and blessed I am. Thankful that I was given the opportunity. Thankful for the many people who blessed me by giving towards my trip and making it possible. Thankful to have met a wonderful family in Bolivia who quickly became true second family. Thankful for my friendships at El Centro. Thankful for the many ways in which God touched my heart.
So, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for giving, praying, and blessing me on this journey!
I am one very blessed child of God.
Adios y vaya con Dios,
Breanna
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